December 23, 2008

Each Other

I need you. But you're not here.

You need me. But I'm not there.

I need them, but they don't need me.

They need me, but I don't need them.

Why. Why can't I be there for you. Why can't you be here for me.

Why can't we all always be together, when we need each other?

We are always tied by the connection of our hearts.

It's juz that,

Time separates us.

Distance separates us.

And sometimes, we separate each other. We are close but we don't feel close.

I need you. All of you who make my world. All my sunshines.

December 18, 2008

And here I am... -home-

This is my 2nd nite I’ve woken up at nite, after sleeping for few hours. Jetlag. Still. But I love the atmosphere. Feels so home :)

Before I came back home, I had been spending nights with so many different people.

Malam-malam kita berbeza. Ada yang begitu. Ada yang begini.


I spent few nights at Dr.Hady’s house in Leeds. He and his wife had gone to Mecca for Hajj. Mak Long was the caretaker for their 2 kids, 4 year old Ammar and almost a year Khadeeja. Mak Long was accompanied by her 2 nieces.

That nite when I came to their house, Ammar was so excited to see me. “Kakak Anis! Kakak Anis!” He shouted excitedly when I was outside knocking on the door. When I got in, he jumped happily while hugging my legs. Felt so touched.. At least I could make him happy 4 a while, while his parents were away. Probably he felt lonely being left. Sepi tanpa Ayah dan Mama. Even tho he had the caretakers around him.

Baby Khadeeja was almost recovering from chicken pox. There were juz scars or the scabs on her body. She was so adorable. Happy and not so hard to be taken cared of. I was always wondering how Mak Long would take care of a baby who was still breastfeeding, n now apart from the mum. Luckily she was not that problematic, n adapting well.

It was only few nights that time, had to go back to Bradford. And as Mak Long said, Ammar could not handle goodbye n tends to ignore people that gonna leave him. Guess they don’t feel sepi anymore, their parents were back days ago.


I spent few nights at Kak B’s house before going back to Malaysia. She lives with her boy Irsyad, 5. I remember last time when I was bout to go back, Irsyad was crying and not allowing me to go. I felt so bad.. Coz he felt lonely playing toys and watching tv all by himself, while her mum studying. Even tho I was juz there to watch him watched tv n played toys, it did make him feel better. When I was trying to have a nap, he woke me up so that I stayed awake to accompany him. I had to agree with him to go back and do my work and come back again that night. And yes, I was juz saying it to persuade him. I only came back the next week.

And as for Kak B, I respect her for enduring everything since they two started to live in UK few months ago. It is hard for her to go through everything without her hubby at her side. But she always motivates herself that they have made the decision, to live with Irsyad in Bradford while doing her PhD, while husband in Malaysia. Sepi. But time will heal. I’m glad that sometimes I can accompany them, to make their home less lonely. At least.


I live with my roomie Hebe, in Bradford, in a studio. As for her, she’s back in Singapore for Xmas hols, nothing much for her in Bradford. Meeting her bf there will erase all lonely feelings that she feels in UK.

As for myself, I knew I was gonna feel lonely, especially when Hebe back in Singapore. I used to live on my own when I was in 1st year, I lived without any close friends in halls n I survived that. But lately, I juz couldn’t stand it and I really really missed home. I really wanted to meet my parents, stay at home peacefully, away from the coldness of freezing winter in UK and layers of clothing. I juz didn’t feel happy in UK that time (probably winter depression) and really had to be in a place that I would feel belong to.

Only papa n mama at home. Any1 can guess how they feel. 1 sister at work in Kemaman, 2 sisters n post-SPM brother in KL. Only Bobo, their white cat at home to accompany them.

And sepi brought me home…

November 7, 2008

Why U should dump FRIENDSTER and switch to FACEBOOK

1. Friendster is just plain boring
2. Friendster always have this kind of maintenance, where it gets "bengong" or retarded sometimes
3. U can tag people in photo with Facebook, but Friendster cant
4. U can keep the photos u've been tagged in ur page even u dont own the photos with Facebook, but with Friendster u can only grab photos u dont own
5. U can have many applications in Facebook (as long u keep ur page tidy) but with Friendster, only certain application available and I dont even know how to manage them
6. U get clear notification if there's any update with ur Facebook, but with Friendster, U have to search 4 urself if there is any new comment in 1 of your loads of photos
7. Many people are switching to Facebook, and begin to neglect their Friendster, which means they no longer active in Friendster.
8. U can join a lot of groups, create event and so on with Facebook, but U cant do it with Friendster, unless u shout with ur Bulletin Boards, which is juz bored to be read
9. Most people tend to use Friendster as 'Facester' by posting their photos of gedik, hensem or lawa, cambagus... I dunno why they use Friendster as a medium utk 'perasan'. Instead, most Facebookers use Fb as 'Friendbook', where they keep in touch with friends by this medium, n more than friends, such as idols, celebs, anwar ke, mahathir ke kan..
10. I think with Facebook u can be more professional n organized. Friendster probably for beginners now, but Facebook is not bad for beginners either.

Why U should not create any FACEBOOK account

1. Addiction to it is not something easy to control
2. Addiction to open facebook everytime u online
3. Addiction to tag people the way u like
4. The font used in Facebook is quite small.. 0_O
probably size 4 or 6 of normal type. I would prefer bigger one, which is more convenient to my eyes, even tho i'm not short-sighted
5. U will lose the sense and touch of having real relationship with people around u, coz all u do is juz click n type. U don even get face 2 face with people. Probably good 4 ASBO (anti-social behaviour) / kera sumbang

I've deleted my old FS account, since I already hav FB. But I created a new account, so that I can still keep in touch with my friends who still don hav FB. So does Syiqin my sister, when r u goin 2 dump that lousy FS n switch 2 FB??

October 26, 2008

A reflection 4 a while

Click to view my Personality Profile page

How lonely are you?

Just finished watching Sepi. I didn't get the chance to watch it back in Msia, so there it youtube.

My first thought was this must be a normal, touching movie. Since it's a continuation from Cinta (there are all 3, so the 3rd will be coming soon), I bet it wouldn't be more than typical Malay movie. Coz it seems like most people like Cinta, but after I watched it, I juz felt normal, nothing extraordinary. It's juz that I must give compliment to the cinematography. I dunno if Im using the correct term, but I mean the way camera shot every angle of acting. Great n impressive, the same goes to Sepi.

Sepi, not as lonely as it sounds, coz it fulls of great background musics, comforting you with every heartbeat. About 3 people, Adam (Afdlin), Sufi (Tony) and Imaan (Baizura).

Afdlin, lonely bcoz he hasnt met her soulmate. Sick of attending wedding ceremonies n being seated at 'the singles', table for single people. When he met Ilyana and getting close to her, it was too late, since Ilyana was actually ready for her wedding day. Then she cancelled it, bcoz she wanted Adam... poor ex-boyfren of Ilyana, had his wedding to be cancelled by a wedding planner-girlfriend.

Sufi accidentally hit Imaan when was driving his car with wife. n got his wife crashed by a big vehicle (truck, Storm-like) and dead, after he went out of car to look for Imaan's condition. He felt so lonely n guilty, that he had to run (as for jogging) until he started to know Marya, n learned that Marya was also lonely, longing for a child. Eventually she got pregnant, n Tony ended up waiting for her until his death.

Imaan... I guess she's kinda psycothic, since she coped with her shock of losing her bf, by having her bf still alive. Being chased by Ean, Imaan was comma for quite a time, n finally letting his Pierre bf go and rest-in-piece. ops peace.. So Imaan finally recovered her loneliness, by having Ean by her side..

Well, much better than Cinta, I would say, personally. Cinta is quite typical to me, n Sepi much better coz it knows how to touch ur heart, n mine as well, that it made my eyes wet 4 a while.

We do feel lonely. Longing. For somebody. So that we know how to appreciate the people around us. That sometimes we dunno that they chase away our loneliness. Even with a smile...


Aku lari ke hutan, kemudian menyanyiku
Aku lari ke pantai, kemudian teriakku
Sepi… Sepi dan sendiri aku benci
Aku ingin bingar. Aku mau di pasar

Bosan aku dengan penat,
dan enyah saja kau, pekat!

Seperti berjelaga jika aku sendiri
Pecahkan saja gelasnya biar ramai
Biar mengaduh sampai gaduh

Ahh.. ada malaikat menyulam jaring laba-laba belang
di tembok keraton putih
Kenapa tak goyangkan saja loncengnya?
Biar terderah,
atau… aku harus lari ke hutan belok ke pantai?

Puisi Tentang Seseorang - Melayu-Dian Sastro

October 17, 2008

raya! raya! raya!

I’m done with raya now. Eventually, this raya is not that bad at all. I was in gloom during Ramadhan, looking forward for my warm Eid celebration, each year overseas. Even though there are always people around you to celebrate eid, it will never be the same, celebrating raya with ur family, to get to kiss ur parents’ hand, to visit ur relatives’ houses, to try all range of biskut raya at people’s cribs, and... I better stop talking bout it, otherwise the sense of missing home will grow wilder n uncontrollable.

After all, true meaning of having Eid is to celebrate our success of fasting for whole Ramadhan.

“Saban tahun apabila berlalunya Ramadan, kita akan meraikan Aidilfitri. Kita raikan ia dengan Takbir, Tasbih dan Tahmid. Tetapi pernahkah kita dikunjungi tanda tanya, apakah sebenarnya yang kita raikan?

Sesungguhnya, yang kita raikan adalah hakikat diri kita sebagai seorang Muslim. Kita raikan anugerah terbesar pemberian Allah ini. Islam yang telah memuliakan kita, meletakkan harga diri kita yang tinggi dan Islam yang memelihara martabat kemanusiaan kita. Islam itu adalah Islam yang telah disempurnakan oleh Allah, Islam yang menjadi penyempurna nikmat Allah kepada kita dan Islam yang telah diredhaiNya sebagai jalan hidup. Pujilah Allah di atas nikmat ini.

“Segala puji bagi Allah yang telah memberi petunjuk kepada kami ke arah ini, yang tidaklah kami ini beroleh panduan hidayat jika tidak diberi petunjuk oleh Allah” (Al-A’raaf: 43)” – quoted from

Absence makes heart grow fonder. Hmm... I wonder how fond my family now of waiting 4 me to be there with them, to celebrate Eid together. Hahaaa... but the missing of having celebrating Eid with them, has left Eid happiness in my heart to empty. Which will be filled and redeemed some other time. Well, having celebrating Eid each year without variation will permit boredom to accompany u, yeah?


1st day Eid – Eid prayer at nearer mosque in Bradford, then headed to class as usual. Beraya to kak Ee’s crib

2nd day – open houses in Bradford

4th day – Eid in Dublin, Alisa’ new crib

5th day – Eid celebration at Malaysia Hall in Dublin. At nite, Eid party in RCSI


6th day – Back to Bradford, another Eid celebration with all Malaysians of Bradford resident.

Will be to other open houses, if any ;) bet this my final year to celebrate Eid in Bradford. Hmm...

September 30, 2008

Erti raya kali ini

I'm still waiting for announcement. For Eid confirmation.

Either tomorrow or the day after tomorrow.

3rd Eid, overseas.

Sob sob.



Happy Eid Mubarak to all.

Maaf zahir batin. Please forgive me.

September 28, 2008

forensic = forenSICK + forenSEEK

My classes for first week, for final year, has started. New subjects. New lecturers. Some new friends. And new home as well.

It seems like everyone here is still settling down. No wonder my friends' blog are not updated, probably not all. Plus facebook is not that loud now. Maybe after Eid... Some still got their boxes unpacked, some still coping with new timetable, and some still internet-less, n being a parasit to someone else's wireless connection, like me! (well we don't do any harm really rite?)

Not forgetting some of them who are still in Malaysia to celebrate RAYA! Buwekk! :p

The challenge for new subjects, forensic archaeology & forensic anthropology. Gila ke ape. I never had any interest in those subjects, and never had any intention of learning into such depth about it. But now I have no choice, since I tried to change subjects but that is not possible anymore. Nevermind, they seem interesting though.

Excavations. Skeletons. Skulls. Basically bones. TULANG.And there gonna be a practical where we gonna handle real skeletal remains...uuuu sounds creepy yet exhilarating..

People keep assuming that I gonna involve with dead bodies, n those bloody things since I'm doing forensic course. The truth is I never had involved with those stuffs, probably not yet. Probably none. Possibly yes, when I have to handle real case. But most of my friends who are doing Medic, yes they've handled dead bodies.

Well, I guess this year gonna be tougher. Studying forensic does make me SICK sometimes, coz I have to SEEK for many things; truths, facts, probabilities, and of course, produce ESSAYSSSSSZZZZzzzzz......

*my core textbook. Cool...

September 10, 2008

Berjemaah.. tapi mana saf?

Seperti biasa Ramadhan, saya akan ikut papa berjemaah di Masjid Raja, Bukit Besar untuk solat terawih. Belum masuk Ramadhan lagi, tapi mcm x sabar untuk berjemaah di sana. Maklumlah jarang dapat peluang untuk berjemaah dalam keadaan sekarang. Nanti dah balik UK, peluang tu lagi ditipiskan dengan sesetengah halangan, maka ketika itu sembahyang di bilik adalah lebih baik untuk seseorang perempuan..

Jemaah di Surrey, Musim Bunga 2007

Bila dah mula berjemaah kat sana, barulah saya teringat pengalaman berjemaah semasa tahun-tahun lepas di masjid yang sama. Soal merapatkan saf masih ditakuk lama. Sampai kadang-kadang rasa nak terawih kat rumah je, tapi rugi pula kalau tak dapat pahala berjemaah.

The thing is, kebanyakan muslimat akan bawa sejadah sendiri. Sejadah tu pulak, ada saiz kecik, yang kiut sgt pon ada. Yang masalahnya, apabila sejadah tu besar gaban. Maka biasanya hanya seorang muslimah saja yang dapat sembahyang di ‘wilayah’ dia tu. Komfem la tak bersentuh bahu, boleh la tahan besarnya gap dengan jemaah di sebelah-sebelahnya.. Kalau dulu mase kat surau sekolah, boleh la jugak ditarik membe2 satu sekolah supaya rapat-rapat, supaya saf tu sempurna. Ni di masjid, susah juga sbb kebanyakannya makcik-makcik, dan perempuan dewasa. Taknak la ada salah faham pulak sebelum sembahyang.

Kecewa juga, apabila imam jarang sekali mengingatkan makmum supaya membetulkan saf. Jadi, mereka ni pon buatla saf sesuka hati, padahal bila dah tak bersambung saf tu, macam dah takde makna sembahyang berjemaah, lebih kurang sembahyang seorang diri je. Yang lagi tensyen, apabila dah mula sembahyang, then ada ruang kosong. Susah betul nak berganjak supaya diisi ruang kosong tu, melainkan diselamatkan dengan orang yang baru datang untuk mengisi saf. Worst come to worst, muslimat pun akan meneruskan jugak sembahyang dengan ruang kosong macam tu… sedih sebab mereka ni nak jugak sembahyang di sejadah sendiri.

Tak tahu lah macam mana nak diselesaikan kebimbangan ini. Lurusnya saf tu melambangkan lurusnya perpaduan umat Islam. Kalaulah saya boleh jadi pengawas kat masjid tu, mahu jugak tarik aje sape2 yang degil tu supaya rapat dengan orang sebelah. And nak haramkan bawa sejadah ke masjid. Jadi semua orang tak perlu tanda sempadan masing-masing, yang penting saf tu rapat dan sempurna. Karpet dah ada, cukuplah.

Ingatkan saya seorang saja dalam dilema macam ni, rupa-rupanya kat masjid-masjid lain pun sama.. lagi la sedih. Baru dapat tahu bila baca blog Ummusaif semalam, isteri Ustaz Hasrizal. Hebat dibincangkan di sini.

*Syukur sangat solat berjemaah amat ditekankan dan dijaga masa kat SMSD dulu. Kalau bukan kerana tinggal di asrama, susahnya nak selalu berjemaah dalam usia remaja mcm tu. Semua orang tahu cara yang betul untuk mulakan saf dan menjaga saf ketika sembahyang berjemaah telah dimulakan. Alhamdulillah. Unforgettable moment, bila Faiz Fahmi jadi imam, mengalunkan bacaan dengan penuh syahdu. Kalau kat KMB, I respect so much dengan Hanafi, lagi2 bila time baca doa, sampai menangis-nangis. Sangat menginsafkan. Walaupun jemaah ramai, namun ego tu dah ditolak jauh2.

-kumengharapkan ramadhan kali ini penuh makna-

September 9, 2008

Some guys are just pathetic. Make sure that it doesn’t happen to you

Guys who are persuading for love, desperately

Guys who want to love others, but they don’t even know how to love themselves

Guys who are just boring, but ask others to entertain them

Guys who love beauty in women, but never put that in themselves

Guys who want to be seem as strong, but too weak to be a leader or imam in most aspects

Guys who easily ‘perasan’ that they catch girls’ attention

Guys who take advantage of girls

And the most pathetic one, are guys who know that they are pathetic, but never stop to be one!

"Kaum lelaki itu adalah pemimpin dan pengawal yang bertanggungjawab terhadap kaum perempuan, oleh kerana Allah telah melebihkan orang-orang lelaki (dengan beberapa keistimewaan) atas orang-orang perempuan, dan juga kerana orang-orang lelaki telah membelanjakan (memberi nafkah) sebahagian dari harta mereka..." [4:34]

September 5, 2008

Kenapa tak boleh makan kat tangga??

Semalam saya sekeluarga berbuka puasa seramai 5 orang. Biasanya 4 orang, dgn parents n adik, but my sister singgah iftaar b4 naik flite mlm ke KL. Meja makan biasa selesa dgn 4 orang je. So saya pun bwk makanan duk kat tangga batu menghala naik ke atas, dkt jugak dgn meja makan. Biasa la makan kt tangga ni, ade kerusi n meja sekaligus.

My parents ape lagi, bising la. Dorang suruh makan kt meja depan. Katanya tak elok makan di tangga. Pantang larang orang tua-tua. Padahal, dari kecik sampai la dewasa ni mmg hobi la makan kt tangga ni. Tak pernah ada masalah pon. And dari kecik sampai la ni, tah kali ke berapa dah kene sound jgn makan kat tangga…

Apa salah tangga? Mmg la ade pantang larang orang tua-tua jgn makan kt tangga, nnt orang nak meminang x jadi. As far as I know, rasional pantang ni klu orang suka bertenggek kt tangga depan rumah, which is kt luar rumah (ala-ala rumah Melaka, rumah2 moden biasanya dah takde tangga kt luar rumah). So x bagus la klu ade orang dtg, pastu tuan rumah tgh bertenggek kt tangga rumah. Mcm mana orang nak naik rumah. Camtula kira-kiranya…

So anak yang degil ni pun berhujah la dgn mak bapaknya yg terlebih dulu makan garam ni. Yang peliknya, dorang ni kata klu duduk kat tangga kt luar rumah takpe, bukan kt dalam. Lagi la penin. Ape la salah tangga dalam rumah ni. Pelik tapi benar..

Byk lagi pantang larang orang tua-tua yang mmg saya konon-kononnya anak moden ni x dpt ikut.

*Saya suka makan leher ayam, pastu mulalah mama bising kate nnt mase bersanding kepala jadi teleng. Apsal mase kahwin plak ade signal teleng tu? Ajaib dan tak masuk akal. Lainlah klu dpt dibuktikan secara saintifik, daging kt leher ayam tu, boleh menyebabkan sbelah urat leher akan menarik kepala menjadi teleng, pada waktu yg amat mendebarkan, contohnya masa kahwin.

*Jangan potong kuku waktu malam. Tapi slalu waktu malam la baru igt nk potong kuku.. yang ni rasanya sbb tanak berlaku injury, dulu-dulu kan waktu malam pakai pelita, so x cukup pencahayaan. Maybe zaman moden ni, kebimbangan ni applicable apabila black-out

*Klu menyanyi mase memasak, nnt kahwin ngan lelaki tua. Yg ni x dpt nk dibuktikan lg, tp naturally akan menyanyi jgk sometimes. Bukan ke jodoh tu qada’ dan qadar? Takkan nk lebih percayakan pantang larang, berbanding ketentuan Tuhan tu sendiri..

*makan setempat je, jgn pindah randah. nnt kahwin banyak. oh..xleh nk tolong, biasa la makan tukar tempat2 ni kan

Maybe ada lagi pantang larang lain cuma x tahu mende tu rupanya pantang larang orang tua-tua. Ntahlah. To me, mana-mana yang applicable tu maybe boleh diamalkan lagi. Tapi, habit makan kt tangga ni, mmg susah nk buang, selagi x jumpa apa salahnya makan kat tangga.

more pantang larang

Ayam - Jalil Hamid

August 20, 2008

Tak tahu

Mid June 2008

Heathrow Airport, around 10pm.

KLIA, around 5pm.

Family, beloved family. ‘Long time no see’ relatives. Friends, old friends. Weddings. Food. Food. Food. And Malaysia, Malaysia tanahairku yang masih bergolak dengan politiknya.

Mid August 2008

In less than 1 month, I’ll be heading back to UK again. To continue my study. To continue my life in other country.

Tension. To leave my family. Depressed. Raya away from Malaysia.

Pressure. Nak balik UK cpat. Worry. Byk hal x setel kt Bradford. x_X

August 14, 2008

Melah + Sasni

Easter Trip, Mac 2008

Segala-galanya bermula di sini. Trip percutian seramai 9 orang: me, Milah, Ant, Ira, Kirin, K’Zaini, Shazni, Neo dan Saiful. Kitorg tour Holland, Belgium dan Jerman. Ingat lagi mase Milah kene tunggu sorang2 kt airport Stansted, London utk departure. Bimbang btul kt dia sbb kitorg semua bergerak ramai2 ke sana.

Trip kt Holland mmg sgt best, and part yg mmg takkan lupa smpi bila2 was when we were heading back to hostel from Keukenhof (famous Spring Garden in Europe). Hari gelap. Hujan lebat giler. Payung or baju hujan meaningless. Kejar bas. Terlepas bas. Tak jumpa jalan balik. Sejuk kritikal. Horrible, yet so funny and memorable. Alhamdulillah, we managed to stick together and finally found our way back to hostel.

Then bila kt Brussel (Belgium), I started to smell bibit-bibit kemesraan antara Shazni & Milah. Hmm…sejak bila ni. Lama-lama, mcm obvious n yg len2 tu mesti dah prasan. Especially the time when we were homeless in Brussel Station, siap kene halau keluar oleh pak guard yang tak berhati perut. Tengah malam. Sejuk kronik. Bengkek. Cari tempat berteduh tepi jalan. Nasib baik bawah bangunan. Nasib baik sikit je.

Kat Frankfurt (German), we departed back to London. But I knew it, it wasn't going to end here.. Mesti akan terus progress mase kt UK.

April 2008

And the shocking time had arrived, they were already engaged! Both Shazni and Milah were still in UK. But their families in Malaysia had settled everything about their engagement day & engangement ring. So smooth. And the date for wedding was decided as well, August this year! So soon!

August 2008

Alhamdulillah, Shazni dan Kamilah akhirnya sah bergelar suami isteri. I’m glad for you two, meraikan cinta dengan ikatan yang sah dan halal secepat mungkin. Perkara yang elok, kene cepat-cepatkan. But you two proved to us, sbenarnya nk kawen ni urusan yang mudah je. Jangan disusahkan. Milah dan Shazni dah suka sama suka, family Milah on, family Shazni on, merisik dan bertunang, then akad nikah dan trus majlis kahwin. Abes citer.

Citer yang takkan abes skarang ni, perjalanan hidup mereka suami isteri, baru bermula. Masjid baru je dibina, kapal baru je nk belayar. Perjalanan masih jauh. Lagi jauh antara Manchester dan Bath.

Shazni, bakal Cikgu Maths. Milah, bakal Cikgu Kimia. Anak nanti ngajar subjek ape plak yer?

To Shazni & Milah,

Selamat pengantin baru dearie. Selamat menjaga keutuhan masjid dan hala tuju bahtera kalian. Selamat melayari alam rumahtangga dengan penuh barokah dan redha-Nya. Dan akhir sekali, selamat bercinta atas sebuah perhubungan yang halal!

Love always,


July 30, 2008

Love and pain make you human

I believe in the power of love. Love is just a wonderful feeling that God gives us. Everyone wants to be loved. But to be loved by others is to love others first. And loving ourselves is the foundation of all.

It is such a great pleasure when we are loved by our parents, our siblings, our family and relatives, our friends, our loved ones, and even people that we barely know. Although some of us may not have parents etc. to get love from, Tuhan itu Maha Penyayang. Love can be anywhere, and God’s love is so close to us, that we can feel it with every beat of our heart.

But pain is always there to accompany love. Without pain, we won’t know the value of love. Because we don’t appreciate the love until we know how hurtful pain can be. It hurts so much.

We were given the feelings to love, so that we love each other. And pain will always there to hurt us even for so many times, so that we learn to love more. And makes us human.

“Cinta itu milik Tuhan. Dialah yang lebih berhak menanamnya ke dalam hati hamba-hambaNya yang layak. Dan Dia juga berhak untuk mencabut rasa cinta itu dari dalam dada hamba-hambaNya. Kehilangan cinta itu sungguh menyakitkan. Apatah lagi jika kehilangan cinta dari Tuhannya sendiri. Apakah nilai seseorang manusia itu kemudiannya? Tagihlah cinta dari Tuhanmu, kerana Dialah yang lebih berhak ke atas setiap cinta yang kita rasakan dan yang kita terima.”

July 5, 2008

Luahan emo

It seems like every day we’ve been listening to news that some people are getting married while the others are getting divorced. What the heck?

Ada yang jatuh cinta pandang pertama, ada yang baru knal few weeks or months, ade yg bercinta bertahun-tahun lamanya.

Bila dah kahwin, ade yang bertahan for only a year, few months, or not even a month!

Ok, life must go on. When first marriage fails, then come the second. Some succeed, the others kecundang lagi.

This is real life. At one time, we might learn all these are happening to those celebrities, either they are planned to do such thing for publicity purpose or it’s just that they don’t lead a happy life because of conspiracies, scandals, glamour and stuffs like that.

But look around you. Some of you even facing it in your life, maybe you, maybe your family members, maybe your friends, maybe your orang kampong, maybe rumours that you hear, or it can even happen to me.. (naudzubillah)

What’s happening to us? What’s the purpose of falling in love and then.. “That’s it. I’m over it.” I’m sick of knowing all these kahwin-cerai, break-ups, love-hate stuffs. Did God create us to just disappoint ourselves?

Yes, the answer is no.

Hai manusia, sesungguhnya Kami menciptakan kamu dari seorang laki-laki dan seorang perempuan dan menjadikan kamu berbangsa-bangsa dan bersuku-suku supaya kamu saling kenal mengenal. Sesungguhnya orang yang paling mulia di antara kamu di sisi Allah ialah orang yang paling bertakwa di antara kamu. Sesungguhnya Allah Maha Mengetahui lagi Maha Mengenal. [Hujrat, 13]

God wants us to know each other, to love each other but the most honourable of all adalah orang yang menjadikan dirinya paling bertaqwa from doing what is advisable in these Quran verses.

So get to know more people, from various backgrounds, and benefit from it. Along this way anything will happen, including terminating the relationship that was built. Well it doesn’t sound too bad eh. Because what God counts is the ketaqwaan from it, not the result.

Yeah, it’s easy to talk here since I’ve never been into marriage myself. But I don’t want to repeat mistakes or silliness from history, people’s experiences. And I don’t want other people to do it as well.

“Perceraian akan menjadi kejadian sehari-hari”

(Allamah Safarini, Ahwal Yaum al-Qiyamah of ‘Allamah Safarini)

Like it or not, it is the sign of the Doom’s day. The world is going to end soon. Why not?

Manusia dah hilang nilai2 moral.

Manusia sakit tapi tak dirawat dengan cara yang betul.

Manusia tahu yang benar tapi pilih yang salah jugak.

Manusia tak suka certain kejahatan tapi buat kejahatan yang lain.

Tak heran la kalau yang bersatu pon boleh bercerai.

We are rotten.

Ada Apa Dengan Cinta?

ini baru my chemical romance..

Estrogen, Testosterone, Phenylethylamine (PEA), Dopamine, Noradrenaline, Endorphins, Oxytocin dan Serotonin hanya sebahagian daripada kisah cinta ini. Interaksi bahan-bahan kimia semulajadi inilah yang menjadikan cinta seperti cinta yang kita kenali.

Lebih spesifik: Dopamine, Norepinephrine, dan Serotonin terhasil pada fasa mengurat dan terpikat. Oxytocin dan Vasopressin pula dikaitkan dengan hubungan jangka masa panjang. Apabila cinta dan kasih sayang sudah menebal.

Bila mata bertentang mata, lidah kelu untuk berkata.

Cinta. Cinta lahir dari mata tapi tidak terus ke hati. Cinta menyimpang ke jantung. Jantung menggetarkan ritma yang luar biasa, diterjemahkan di otak melalui sistem saraf autonomik. Terhasillah PEA (thanks to Klein Liebowitz), Dopamine dan Noradrenaline. Kesemuanya dari salasilah yang sama dengan Amphetamine, juga dikenali sebagai Speed, sejenis dadah berbahaya.

Kesannya? Hampir sama dengan Speed. Jantung rasa berdebar, lutut menggeletar. Air liur meleleh, tak dapat ketagih. Makan tak lalu, tidur tak lena. Hidup jadi serba tak kena.

Hilang selera makan, peningkatan stamina (chatting berjam-jam tak letih punya...), perpeluhan, hyperactive, loya, gatal-gatal kulit (betullah istilah menggatal tu), peningkatan kadar degupan jantung, tekanan darah tinggi, pening.

Kesannya kepada psikologi pula: banyak cakap, peningkatan konsentrasi dan confident, peningkatan respon dan euphoria (tu yg tergelak sorang2 tu...), insomnia, decrease REM sleep (tu yg tidur tak lena).

PEA juga membuatkan seseorang itu yakin, alert dan berani mencuba sesuatu yang baru, sebab tu la kita tengok orang mabuk asmara ni sanggup buat yg pelik-pelik; lari dari rumah, lompat pagar asrama, sanggup buat apa-apa saja untuk yang dikasihi. (konon...)

Tetapi, bila ‘dibuang cinta’, clash, putus cinta… kesannya amat parah. Otak serta merta akan berhenti merembes PEA dan kesannya, sama dengan penagih Speed yang tak dapat stok; tak tentu arah, panik, bengong, boleh jadi gila. Tak mustahil medically.

Cinta. Euphoria, gayat, ketagihan. Di luar kawalan. Di bawah sedar.

Norepinephrine dan Dopamine sering dikaitkan dengan romantik. Mana taknya, ia merupakan desire molecule antara neurotransmitters. Dopamine yang terhasil di kala bercinta berhubungkait dengan penghasilan Oxytocin, sejenis hormon yang diperlukan oleh ibu-ibu yang menyusukan. Oxytocin kadangkala digelar 'cuddle chemical'.

Oxytocin dirembes dgn banyak ketika aktiviti-aktiviti aktif seperti urutan (sebab tu, urut mengurut ni amat berbahaya bagi sesiapa yang tak nak jatuh cinta, hati-hati, cakar harimau amat baik untuk pasangan suami isteri...), aktiviti-aktiviti lasak dan aktif ketika dating juga adalah salah satu cara yang baik utk mengurat; roller coaster ke, berlarian-larian, keliling pokok macam hindustan tu sume. Sume ni Oxytocin punya kerja.

Oxytocin juga mengurangkan perasaan takut dan meningkatkan kepercayaan, tu kualiti penting dalam percintaan. Kajian juga menunjukkan Oxytocin melembapkan beberapa fungsi pembelajaran dan ingatan. Hmm... tapi masih boleh dipertikaikan, sebab ada yang lebih berjaya dalam akademik bila bercinta. Kalau tidak hati-hati, Oxytocin berlebihan akan menimbulkan masalah.

Akibatnya? Bila masing-masing sudah berkehendak, mulut tidak lagi boleh berkata tidak. Tangan mula meraba, mengusap, membelai. I love You, You love I. Maruah pun tergadai.


Kami hanya bercinta. Saya sayangkan sangat si dia, takkan saya nak rosakkan maruah dia. Aaahh!! Ini semua dongengan hikayat seribu satu malam. Kata hukamak: tidaklah sepasang lelaki dan perempuan yang saling berkasih melainkan matlamatnya hanya satu: SEKS. Tak nak percaya kata hukamak? Sebab kita lagi pandai dari mereka? Nah, ambik ilmu sains.

Stimulus berupa kehadiran orang yang disayangi, ke atas pasangan lain jantina yang normal kesihatannya, akan merangsang pusat kawalan seksual dalam otak. Arnab betina hanya akan bertelur (ovulasi) dan menjadi aktif untuk membiak dengan kehadiran seekor arnab jantan yang menarik minatnya. Itu arnab, tapi manusia, taklah sampai begitu. Cuma apabila kita bercinta, libido amat tinggi, hinggakan setiap rangsangan dan hubungan (dengar suara pun jadi, zaman moden ni, baca SMS, message YM pun jadi) menimbulkan Erotik. Tak percaya? Bukak kamus Greek, tengok EROS maksud LOVE. So, takkan takde kaitan? Tak percaya jugak? Blaja Medic, tak percaya? Susah nak cakap dah.

“Saya sayangkan sangat dia, saya peluk dia, tak terangsang pon nafsu saya…” Awas!!! Sila berjumpa dengan Dr Ismail Thambi. Anda mungkin mempunyai masalah. Wanita pun sama, cuma pakar ramai sangat, jumpa la mana-mana pakar sakit puan. Atau jumpa mana-mana pakar Psychiatry, mungkin boleh membantu.

PEA, Dopamine dan Noradrenaline tidak kekal lama. Kesannya hanya antara 12-18 bulan. Cinta kemudian beralih ke tahap lebih mendalam. Otak, yang sudah lali dengan semua ini, menghasilkan Endorphins, sekumpulan bahan kimia semulajadi berstruktur seakan morfin, satu lagi dadah berbahaya. Seperti morfin, Endorphins mempunyai kesan penahan sakit. (lantas, ambillah kapak belahlah dada. No hal punya!) Sebab tu para mujahid di medan perang (perasaan terlalu teruja dan semangat sebagai contoh berjihad, menghasilkan endorphin dengan banyaknya) tidak peduli akan luka dan cedera. Kita pernah dengar kisah Jaafar At Tayyar dalam perang Mu’tah.

Endorphins juga bertindak sebagai penstabil mood yang jauh lebih tinggi kesan ketagihannya berbanding PEA. Endorphins dirembes dengan banyak ketika disentuh (sapa kata pegang-pegang tangan tu biasa??? Amat berbahaya!!), melihat pemandangan menyedapkan seperti senyuman (senyuman membunuh) atau selepas berfikir positif.

Cinta. Siang terbayang, malam termimpi. Gambar ditatap, bantal didakap. Sehari tidak bertemu dirasa sebulan, sebulan bagaikan setahun. Tapi kalau sudah bertahun-tahun asyik melihat, hati mula rasa meluat. Kesan Endorphins mula hilang, purata hanya bertahan 4 bulan hingga 4 tahun. Dulunya rindu bukan main. Sekarang mula mencari yang lain.

Serotonin. Kesan serotonin kepada seorang insan yang sedang bercinta adalah sama seperti kesannya dalam obsessive-compulsive disorder. Sebab itulah mereka ini tidak boleh memikirkan orang lain. Di mataku, di hatiku hanyalah dirimu. Atas fakta ini jugalah, ramai berpendapat pesakit yang mengambil SSRI dan ubat-ubat antidepressant yang lain kurang mampu untuk jatuh cinta. Hmmm kesian.

Lelaki yang lebih bijak dan teliti, mencari masa yang sesuai untuk membuatkan usahanya lebih berkesan semulajadi, secara fisiologi. Kiraan bulan gadis yang ingin dipikat boleh menjadi amat berguna. Persky dan kawan-kawannya dalam kajian mereka mendapati wanita menunjukkan perasaan dan pergantungan kepada cinta dan rasa ingin disayangi lebih kuat pada waktu sekitar pengovulasian. Kajian terkini mendapati LH-RF sejenis hormon yang dirembes untuk merangsang LH seterusnya merangsang pengovulasian, berfungsi seperti dopamine dan serotonin dalam hubungan lelaki dan wanita ini.

Vasopressin. Vasopressin berlebihan menjadikan manusia agresif dan cemburu keterlaluan. Sebaliknya, kekurangan hormon ini menjadikan manusia mata keranjang. Yang satu mahukan dua. Yang dua mahukan tiga. Yang tiga mahukan empat. Yang empat mahu semua.

...and they lived happily ever after. Separately.


HakCipta Terpelihara

HAMADA el Misriey

kesimpulannya, selame ni, kita hanyalah dikuasai oleh hormon2 dlm badan kita!!

We were born to fight!

Our life is a journey to an end that we don’t know where, but we know there is. This journey is not a straight path, sometimes it diverges into two or more, they are the choices that are hardly to choose (and when we don’t have any choice, we ask why we are not given choice?). Sometimes we mess around with the roundabout, we don’t go anywhere but lingering over and over again at the same place (move on!). Sometimes we reach a dead end. We have turn back to continue the journey or find a possible way out from there.

Along the way, we don’t go easily and smoothly. We may interfere with holes, thorns, animals, enemies, rain, storm, earthquake etc. We have to overcome all that in pursuing our aim. That’s what makes us a fighter.

We fight every day. Every time. Everything that comes our way, blocking us, disturbing us, weakening us.

Lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy, pride, weakness, worry, lie, hatred, satan..

And day by day, life gets tougher.

“The truth behind fighting, fighting continues forever.

After you’ve defeated one person, someone stronger appears. If you manage to defeat him, then an even stronger person comes along. If you don’t have the resolve to endure that eternal struggle, then eventually your confidence will erode. But it doesn’t end there!

The battle will continue elsewhere, fought by others. It’s an endless cycle. And it doesn’t end with a person’s death! The cycle will continue. As long as people and their souls exist, there will be disputes, and those disputes will lead to fights. And those fights will continue without limit, for all eternity.

Those who have power will eventually be drawn into battle.


- quoted from Bleach

"Diwajibkan atas kamu berperang, padahal berperang itu adalah sesuatu yang kamu benci. Boleh jadi kamu membenci sesuatu, padahal ia amat baik bagimu, dan boleh jadi (pula) kamu menyukai sesuatu, padahal ia amat buruk bagimu; Allah mengetahui, sedang kamu tidak mengetahui." [Baqarah, 216]

July 3, 2008

kalau boleh saya tanak jadi dewasa

Dulu, saya nk
cpat2 jadi dewasa.

Boleh pakai kasut tumit tinggi.

Boleh melaram, mekap2 muka.

Boleh cpat kerja, sbb org slalu tanye cita2 ape.

Boleh pegi mane2 suke.

Boleh bercinta.

Boleh balik rumah lewat malam.

Byk bende lah boleh wat klu dh besa ni.

Lama2, baru saya perasan.

Saya dah x bace komik doraemon, tp magazine cleo.

Saya dah x men masak2 tp mmg masak btol2.

Saya dh lame dpt kunci 21.

Saya dh boleh mengundi.

Saya dh boleh beli minuman keras klu saya nak.

Kawen pon boleh, klu saya nak.

Saya igtkan best jadi dewasa ni.

Saya boleh wat decision sniri, kakak2 saya x boleh marah saya dah.

Saya bukan budak hingusan lg tp mahasiswi universiti.

University saya kt eropah lak tu, x pnah2 saya pk nk pegi oversea.

Klu pegi theme park, seme rides saya boleh naik, xde halangan umor or height.

Dulu saya buat karangan “Saya Seekor Nyamok” tp baru2 ni saya submit essay pasal forensic evidence in courts of law.

Dulu saya mintak papa beli computer sbb nk maen games, tp skarang saya beli computer utk buat assignments n mcm2.


Jadi dewasa ni...

Kene matang.

Kene professional.

Byk tanggungjawab.

Byk masalah, lg byk dr masa remaja dulu.

Byk essay nk kene tulis.

Byk pakai duit.

Xleh byk nanges.

Xleh emo x bertempat.

Kne cari makan sniri.

Kne buat decision, decision, decision.

Kne kawan ngan seme org, biar x same interest pon.

Kne berpada2 kawan ngan kaum adam, perbezaan kaum ni besar maknanya.

And byk lagi la kne, kne, kne, kne, kne.....

July 2, 2008

Aku yang bengong

Last 2 days, I met my lappy back, after separated for nearly 1 year. Not sure if I can still call it my lappy, since it’s not under my supervision anymore..huhu.

And I made silly mistake, when I couldn’t get connected to streamyx, thinking of whether the problem was caused by the internet provider or not. I reported to the staff, and yesterday this one pakcik from TMnet came to see if there was any technical problem. After all, it was caused by LAN settings, that was disabled in my laptop. Malu giler! I should have realised that the day before..ohh~~ ntah sape2 la ter-disable kan mende alah ni…

Nway, it’s so gr8 dah boleh online from my house now! And I can start blogging again. Yippiee..!!